Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
