You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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