guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
