my phone needs a breathalizer
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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