I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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