just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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