My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
