I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
