You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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