i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
