I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
