Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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