I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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