She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
