got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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