I wish I could teleport
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
