Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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