Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
