my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
