turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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