she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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