Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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