I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
