hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize