mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
