Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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