I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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