Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
