I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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