Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
