OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
