She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize