Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She's the barista slut.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
