why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
