If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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