God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
