I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
