Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
