Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
