he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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