So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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