I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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