Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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