trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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