watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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