i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
