I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
