1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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