I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize