He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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