last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
