just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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