Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
