don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize