Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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