Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
