I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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