can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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