I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
