when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
