I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
