he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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